I lost my little Tinkerbell, a beautiful little dog that was such a part of my life. She lived to be 147 years in dog years. NOT bad, especially when she was sick most of her days on this Earth plane.
Her Death was not pretty, but it was natural. She had a warrior’s spirit, and she tried very hard to beat the cancer that she had. As I have done a lot of research, I have found that the dental work she had done had caused her cancer. She was healthy when she went in and a couple of weeks later she was very sick and bleeding from her sinuses.

My “little,” as I called her, taught me what life should be like.
I miss her every day. I know she doesn’t suffer, but I am selfish and wish she was here.

Tinkerbell’s last days were mostly her and I sitting outside as she looked around and breathed in the mountain air. I watched as she seemed to see things I could not. She could not sit for very long. Her legs hurt, and even though I gave her herbs to control the pain, she would get tired, and I would carry her inside to her favorite pillow.

The echos of my voice come through as I ask what more can I do. I was so lost and wanted so much to save Tinkerbell, all my knowledge of holistic care and herbalism I used. I took her to the vet to have them say there was nothing they could do. I cried and screamed and tried everything I could find from the God-given medicine chest of the herbal world. I gave Reiki treatments and prayed. I even thought about clapping my hands like when Peter-pan asked everyone to say Tinkerbell.

Her last day, she would get out of breath, just walking. I could not handle it anymore, and that night as the first star shone in the sky, I said: Star Bright, Starlight, First star I see tonight, I wish I may I wish I might, Have the wish I wish tonight. I asked that she go to heaven that night…

She left that night being held and loved; it is fitting that we stood by my spirit tree. She wore a little sweater, and I wrapped her in a white towel. I laid her on her soft pillow and watched her. All night long, I kept checking on her as she laid there so peacefully! I pet her as I walked by and talked to her. My Tinkerbell looked so relaxed for the first time in many days. She was asleep and not suffering.

She and I were always together, and I joked to others that she was my little Franken weenie. She was born into this world sick. I made sure that her good days were the best, and when she was ill, she and I stayed up and healed.

I haven’t cried until today. I haven’t wanted to, and it was easier to clean the house and stay busy. But I wanted to write about her and put this chapter in my book.

I listen for her, looking for her. I am lost, not caring for her. For so long, she and I had been together, and now she is gone.

This week I have tried to sit down and mourn. I do not want to feel the loss. I do not want to be without caring for her. I am at a loss…

Some days are better than others, but I think those days when I think things are better are when I find something else to occupy my time.

The ghosts of the past come through at night when you are alone in the quiet. The movie of those times you laughed and cried, to see her as a puppy, stealing pink underwear and running away so happy those times race across. Tinkerbell was a four-wheeling rider. She loved to stand on a body board in the pool, and I swear she could talk. When you remember what they did and what you did, and the fun of reliving it over and over.

She was my barracuda; she was not a lovey, but Tink was so fun to have around and watch, she reminded me of a cat, Tink loved to sit with you and sleep in the bed, but she was not a cuddle me dog.

I will never forget her, and she will always be beside me as I go through my day.

With time, I know it will become less painful, not better, but the pain will be less harsh. We are not meant to forget, but remember the good times, the fun times, and the way it was.

Tinkerbell was one of my favorite chapters in this book called my life, and this is just one of the many chapters I have journeyed through.

In loving memory of my Tinkerbell Lita Rita Montoya Barracuda,
I will never forget you. Until we meet again, here is seeing you in my dreams!


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