You are who you chose to be

Hey, have to say it’s been a while here.  I have been on a big fat quest for the right to heal the way I want and need to.  I can say I have found that healing I have been looking for!  We all see those who have come from complete shit, back to an ultra mega leap into the healing, that’s what all of wish we could find.

Why is it that some can do that??

A little background here.  I have Lyme Disease, not that I am Lyme Disease, but I have it.  So that made me a victim.  I went right into victimhood.

It is the truth when one finds out they have a disease, they lose their identity.  We become the illness, we rally the illness, we wear shirts, the bracelets the hats, we become the advocate for the disease!

First off, I have not seen a doctor since I found out I was sick.  I will not become a money-making piece of meat.  The medical is made up of Pharmaceutical taught individuals.  There are very few and very far between Medical people who know how to help the individual in the whole.  Mind, Body, and Spirit.  It is scary how once they get a hold of you, you become sicker and it takes all you have to survive what they give and do to you.  Once you do wake up and see that they are not Godlike, you have to not only heal from what they have done to you, but you still have to face the underlining reason you became sick in the first place.

I am not bashing medical people, I am bashing the bad education they have had.  Just because you have a DUH-gree doesn’t make you better than me! In fact, I am a moron if I am not working for my betterment! I do not trust anyone but me, not that I didn’t at one time drink the kool-aid and think Doctors knew more than me.  If you have read my earlier post you would know that about me.

I have had Lyme Disease for over 25 years now, but was misdiagnosed many times.  I had no idea that I could heal myself because I was taught I could not.  YES!!! YOU do have the power to heal yourself!!  I love it!! I feel 100 times better today then I did in my twenties.  Yes, I looked high and low, took herbs of all sorts, I exercised, I read book after book on self-help. But nothing helped, I would see some progress for a week maybe even a month then go back down into sickness.  I kept wondering why I could not turn that proverbial corner on my health.

I could not sleep, was in pain all over my body every minute of the day, I would cry from the sheer torture. I became very depressed, I stopped doing anything, I would barely get up to shower after three days, I stopped caring about anything.  I woke up crying and went to bed, crying.  I prayed for death anything to get me out of this pain, the manic depressing the hopeless feelings I was caring around every waking moment.

I am such a caring person, and I just could not understand why someone like me who cares and loves so deeply could be so sick and so lost.  I was in a state of hating my life and wondering why me.  VICTIM! I hated that this was happening to me.

One day I wrote into a Doctor of Naturopathic and holistic care.  I was so desperate.  I told him that I had Lyme Disease, that I ate Wholefoods, grew my own herbs, and ate grass-fed beef, chicken, and some pork.   I had asked the question on Monday but had to wait till Friday to see his answer.

Now< I have read, studied, and tried every herb, mineral, diet, and exercise I could find for the last nine years.  I had gone to school to become a Master Herbalist and Holistic Health practitioner, been to see an herbalist, chiropractor, you name it I did it.  I have spent thousands of dollars on herbs, training, and books.  I tell you this because I want you to know I tried everything I could think to do.

The Doc started off the live feed, and I was like here we go, he will tell me what I need to do.  I will never forget the way he reacted when he heard my question.  He looked at the question in what I would say disgust. Threw his head back and said well here we go! I went into instant fear.  I was taught fear I have been informed that I am to not go against the norm, and I sure as hell didn’t want to make him disgusted with me.  WHAT in the hell did I do??

The first thing he asked me was how many dead things do you need to eat to feel alive?! He went on an asked his associate that was with him if they had seen any Lyme Patience that could eat and digest meat?  She stated no.  I am like gulp… but it was grass-fed beef.

A bell went off, yep I remember reading a study that Lyme could cause a meat allergy, but the way it was written in the article, one would exhibit signs of allergic responses. I had nothing like that.  I had horrible digestive issues, but I thought those were from the Lyme, and that was what was causing me IBS, CROHNS like symptoms.

The Doc went on, Why don’t you love yourself?  WHAT?  I love me, I thought… I’m confused here.  I do love me, don’t I?  How dare he ask me that, who the hell is he anyway.  I started to cry, he was supposed to help me not make me feel worse. I was so close to turning off the video!

He Continued… “You got to start asking why you are feeling like you do, why are you sick you need to find you and heal that person.  You were love when you came down here.”

HUM… I was love, and I was love when I came here from the other side. I had the most awful childhood, I sure as hell didn’t come from a place of love where I grew up.

Let’s save that for another day. No, not really… that is healed and I do not want to revisit!

The Doc went on to say we all come from backgrounds where we have lost that inner love the inner child of innocence, to create, to be just us.  We became adulterated! <—– I love that word! When we become adulterated, we forget who we were.  I am from the spirit world, and I came here to lose myself so that I can find myself.   I came to lose the childlike, love, and to regain it.  But how?

Doc went on to tell me you are wonderful, and you are a creator, you can create your world.  But you have to love yourself more than anything or anyone else.  You have to protect that relationship with yourself!

I had lost me a long, long time ago, with the abuse of my parent, the love I had for my children, the partners in my life.  I had given them pieces of me, and I had none left over for me. How can you love when you don’t love yourself?  How can you heal when you don’t feel like you deserve that health?  How can any of those books, herbs, meditations help when you don’t love the person you are doing them for?

I forgot ME… I left her behind, and I went into survival.  I did what I had to do, but I did it at the expense of my heart.  Illness filled in where the love had left. The disease is a filler.  You can believe me or not, I do not judge. This is my story.

Doc recommended a library full of a wealth of information. I went on an all-veggie diet,  I follow his Perfect day Diet, I drink much more water than I had been.  I do the breathing exercises.  Amazing how much better I can breathe.

I sat for three days and devoured all that I could on his website. I read and practiced the 12 Brave Heart Steps, I still do that every day, by the way, I will never stop! I am not joking here, after one week, I reduced my pain by 80%!! I was always constipated, and that went away after three days!!  I lost 15 lbs in two weeks after having struggled for nearly 10 years with my weight going up.

My heart feels so full, and I have such a positive outlook on life.  I am in the process of healing all old wounds and hurts from my past. It isn’t easy but MY GOODNESS if it doesn’t feel good!!!  I am reclaiming all those broken-hearted places and filling them with lots of love.

I tell myself every time I go into a room with a mirror how much I love myself.  I promise myself that I will protect me, that I will love and I will leave any and all situations that don’t mirror that.  I look into my big, beautiful, golden-brown eyes, and say I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!  I smile at myself I wink and giggle, I feel so alive and amazingly beautiful.  I am wonderful and I have so much to offer myself. And that love moves like a wave, it covers all that I love with love.

Doc said that the heart speaks in short loving messages, the mind creates long stories to cover the lies we have lived with.  I have seen this in action when I hear that little voice in my head it is right from my heart it is short and sweet when it is a lie I have been telling myself for years… man, the mind is so long-winded.  When I trust in the short prompts I have such a better outcome in my decisions.

If we all were to see ourselves like we should, how much would our world change?

You are a very creative, a loving person, you are wonderful for your uniqueness! Find that childlike love and wonderment.  She or he needs you to find them and love them.  It is time to take back your power and create the person you were meant to be.  Stop giving your power away.  Stand up for yourself, it is time to stand up for your love and feelings, if someone else doesn’t like it tell them to take a hike. You do not have to stand there and listen to anyone!


My story hasn’t an ending…more to come!



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