It’s been a while again since I have sat down and written what my heart has to say. I guess it is because I do not want to be a downer. I have this fear of being a negative person because of who and what I love to practice. Here is the question for the day, are we negative when we are in problem with certain aspects of this world? Is it not why we are here? Is there a problem, or am I making a problem? Laughing

I have been struggling with the internet once more. I finally opened a twitter page only to delete it before the week was up. I just don’t know if so much media is healthy. I love to share my work as well as read other’s daily journeys. I did go back and open the page back up. Gulp!

Technology is fantastic, but I have found that when I sit for too long checking facebook status, like who liked what. I do not think that is very healthy for the heart. Oh and the pain of not getting instant likes on the ole Twitter page. How the heart must laugh at that boloney. I find that there is way too much importance put on getting a like or a follow. Who cares? Well, we all do…

What does my heart say about this, balance is the key. It is okay to want to be liked or followed; we all want to be seen and heard, but let it be okay not to strive for those likes and follows. It is okay to be nomadic once an a while.

I love to play the online game Dead by Daylight, I have even moved into playing the killer.

For those of you who don’t know this game, it is where four survivors are trying to repair five generators that will open two gates for you to escape through. But here is the challenge, you have one mean-ass killer who wants nothing more than to kill all survivors before any can fix a generator. There is more to this game than I really want to take the time to describe, just take my word that it is an enjoyable and challenging game.

So I was playing the killer the other day, there are daily challenges that you get extra points for if you can get them accomplished. I only needed three survivors to step into my traps. The killer was a trapper, and you set traps around a map that you try to chase the survivors through. I don’t like killing, but I love the points. So the first game I tried to hide traps where I thought that the survivors would run through or at least walkthrough. I got one person. I opened the gates and hid while they looted boxes and cleansed totems. The second game I tried another tactic, I would walk up to the survivors and set a trap and see if I could get them to step into it. They could then heal and win the game. NOTHING! Third Game… Heavy sigh…. I wait till I can get their full attention and show by pointing at the trap, they would disarm them but not walk into them. I am so upset now. I don’t want to kill your sorry asses. I just want my freaking daily!!

I finally have to stop the game and really get a hold of myself. My God, Dearest, it’s only a stupid game, and I can’t talk to them so how the hell can I communicate.

I think that is why I am writing this page today. It is hard to communicate with most anything when we are so involved with trying to win or be better seen in this world. We all see the world differently, and when we are not true to our own heart, we get hurt feelings. I forgot to stop feeling like the other players were supposed to somehow read my mind!

I took a deep, cleansing breath. Okay so instead of getting all broken up about this, how can I get what I want. I decided to take some friends advice and placed my traps in tall grasses, and places where the survivor could not see them until too late. Bam! It worked. I had three-step in the traps, I went to the gate and hit the gate open. I was done, and they got their points.

I have found that games help with eye and brain coordination as well as help me with my Lyme Brain. They also can help with problem-solving and not taking life too seriously. I have gotten to where I watch several streamers online to learn their tips and trade, it does make for some pretty fun tv. I even reduced my channel line up because I just don’t watch tv that much anymore. So there is that.

Yet, all this time of gaming and watching streamers, I feel like my writing has taken a back door. I now feel like I have to post anything on Twitter just to say I posted, but it isn’t me. I love to write, I love the honest openness of letting my heart take over and just listen to it. The ego, the mind gets involved, and there I am feeling depressed and alone. The social media gaming I think I will call it. I can use the time to create excellent skills, or I can allow it to become a killer of my time.

I do enjoy the fun I am having it takes my mind off of the challenges of this disease I am dealing with. I guess that is what the internet is to us all, I meer escape into a little place of drama, fun, dreams, acceptance, meaning. But I find that a bit of disconnect once in a while helps as well. I love to turn off my phone escape to the mountains and listen to the wind, the birds and the water tell their stories as well. It is fun to think of life as a game, there are times when you have to work on the generators, open the gates and dodge the monsters.

So I guess I have once again answered my own questions, by just listening to my heart. Balance is the answer!

WWYHS