To love the self

I have noticed that I am writing less and less these days.  I get busy with my life and even though I have some excellent thoughts.  I tend to go out of mind and sit and meditate more these days.  I find that with my disease it is easier for me to find ways that help me not to concentrate on my illness.  Is it a way of coping with the lack of normalcy?  I would believe so.

I am not mad at this world, but there are times I wonder why we have to suffer so much.  I watch friends dealing with their issues as well, there are tougher times out there then what I would call good times.   I often ask the higher up, why would you want us to suffer so when this world is hard enough to find our way thru? Don’t get me wrong here I am a very happy, positive person but after a while, even Pollyanna had to face the realization that it is freaking hard to deal in this world. Those of you who do not know the movie Pollyanna, you might enjoy seeing it.  Thank goodness there are those rare few people out there that are able to help us know that love does help us get through the rougher times.

Yet there are those days where I would much rather stay in bed and not face the reality I have been dealt.  And that is where you need to tell yourself that is OK! I find I am harder on myself than to a total stranger.  I have to fight to be kind to myself when I am at my lowest.  I have to really dig deep to find compassion for what I am dealing with. Isn’t that crazy?  I can love and be kind with others, but I am rough and tough on myself. Why is it so hard for us to care for ourselves?

As I watch my body deal with the ravages of this disease, I am in awe at the resilience of how my body works to helps itself.  No there is no easy way to deal with this disease.  Chronic Lyme is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I have been hit by a pickup,  I have had three births, I have survived an enormous pine tree coming down on my head. Yet this disease has been my worst adversary. I have suffered from this disease for over 35 years.   This disease takes away everything.  And the more you fight it, the more you suffer.  There are no days where you do not suffer from extremes most people will never feel.

I can not teach others what I am going through, they would never understand.  The only way we can be compassionate is when we suffer and come from the suffering with love. I am learning to let go of the thought that others can understand where I come from.  Everyone is different, and we all perceive things differently.  So getting angry and resentful only hurts me.

I have to believe I have been chosen to deal with this because I am strong enough to deal with it. That being said I would be fine if this disease was to go away.

I do not get to go out like I use to anymore, I can not drive like I use to so I have to wait till someone can come and get me, so when I do get a road trip out to the store, it is the best day ever.   I do not get to interact with others because my mind and body can not handle that at times.  I sit and look out the windows.  I feel like I am in my little cage, and I await my rescue of this affliction.  You have to be active in mind body and soul.  I have to remember why I feel the way I do.  I have to take care of me.

I love hard and enjoy good moments more. The days I have that are not to bad in pain and mind fog is not as bad, are like days to Disney.  I appreciate all that I have more because if I think of the alternative, I get scared and panic.  Nights suck as I can not sleep most of the time, so I find ways to count my blessings as I talk to my Goddess and fall asleep with my prayers on my lips.

No, Not every day can be all roses and sweets.  It’s okay to be afraid, to panic, to feel.  It all comes to that though.  TO FEEL.  I could find a bottle of prescriptions or a bottle of alcohol to fall into, but I can’t handle the side effects plus these complications of this disease all at once. I breathe in the panic, love and hug the fear, I adore the good days      ( where there isn’t as much pain), I take each day and make it my last. I remind myself that I am only here for a short time on earth and I cry when I realize that I am just here for a short time on earth. If it sounds like my mind is always going through every scenario, I can assure you that it is!

I’ll be honest there are days I can understand why no one would want to continue on in this life when they are in so much pain.  That had me asking myself this question,  are those who had taken ended their life before the general public thought it time, are they stronger than us?  Did they know they had a choice to leave when they wanted?  Were they stronger because they did choose?  That’s something I ponder.

I have found that I have had to realize that I don’t really know how much time I have on this earth, none of us do.  So to play it safe wouldn’t it make sense to live life to the fullest?

I know this isn’t one of my most positive writings, I feel it would be an injustice to me not to write my truths though.  I think that when I can be genuine within myself, that’s when I gain the most beneficial insights. I achieve that beautiful self-love that makes all that I am going through worth it.


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