It’s been a while since my last writings. Pain has a way of taking days even months from you. Pain is like a spoiled child that you have to deal with every day and every day is a new way in which you have to handle them. My Chronic pain is a part of me, and it is so much easier to go with the flow than to fight it. I get so depressed when I wake up and find myself once more pulled into a world that is nothing but survival.
I can remember the exact time I caught Lyme Disease. I can remember all the pain, the hamburger looking sore on my arm from the bite. I can remember losing my normalcy.
I was sixteen working for a couple who owned a campground in the rocky mountains of Colorado. There were around twelve cabins all sorts and sizes. I loved being in the mountains and working. I loved to get done for the day and go fishing or swimming in a little stream just down the road from the campgrounds. It was on one of those days I got bit by a deer fly. I usually swelled up, and they itched like crazy, but this time it was different. The bite increased in size, then it burst and looked like raw hamburger. It itched like crazy and was very sore.
The owners Sandy, of the campgrounds, was an RN and she tried everything she knew of, plus some home remedies, to get it to heal. The sore got bigger and I could not help but pick at it and scratch it. It was a horrible itch. I remember going to bed really not feeling good and super tired, a couple of nights after the bite. I was so tired, I don’t remember much after going to bed, I would wake up off and on, everything was out of focus and I could hear people talking but they sounded far away.
I was running a high fever and was really out of it. I had no strength in my body to take a sip of water. I laid in bed and felt like I was dying for nearly three days. Sandy got worried and called my parents. They came up the following weekend to get me. I tried hard to feel normal again, but my glands all over my body were swelling up, and I continued to have a fever, chills, joint/muscle aches, I wasn’t hungry, I had swollen tonsils, my whole body felt swollen. I was so tired and had headaches. I felt like something was very wrong.
When I got home, my mom took me to our family doctor. He looked at me and listened to my complaints and diagnosed me with EBV. I was not given a blood test. If you look up the Symptoms of EBV and Lyme Disease they are identical. EBV should only last two to four weeks. I never got over my illness. In fact, I got worse after the antibiotics.
I was so devastated my parents were ruthless, and the look I got was so heart wrenching. I would never do what they were thinking, and I was mortified. Of course, being ostracized by my parents was so hurtful.
I was told to eat in my room, wash my dishes before I put them in the dishwasher with super hot water. I was to be seen but not touched until I got all my antibiotics finished. I became very depressed and could hardly make it from day to day. My tonsils at least came down in size, but my glands all over my body kept swelling up. I had bad headaches, muscle, and joint pain. I was a runner in school and I could hardly run anymore. I was sick all the time. I was on different antibiotics over and over throughout my life.
My parents started to ask me if I was on drugs or pregnant. I was a great student but was failing in school. I had brain fog so bad I could hardly think. I was sick all the time, and I could not understand why.
It wasn’t until I was in my upper forties that I finally was able to find out why I had not been well for most of my life. Lyme disease mimics many different conditions out there. I have been diagnosed with depression all my life. I have been on so many different antibiotics, antidepressants, antipsychotics, and the list goes on.
Today I know what I have going on. I have a disease that I can control with all natural remedies. Every day is different, I have to add a herb, and then there are days I need to subtract herbs. I have die off and herxing. I fight a disease that can be bone deep. This disease can trick the body cells and keep your body from killing it. It makes homes with a biofilm that is hard to break up. It is like the wind the symptoms ebb and flow. One day it attacks my feet and I can hardly walk, then it attacks my digestion and cannot digest foods. I have neck pain so bad I can hardly move my head side to side. If I can remember to go with the flow of my illness, I do better. But the human in us likes to fight for control. I get depressed from the lack of sleep, the pain, the brain fog, the inability to walk from room to room. I get so tired sometimes, and I want to do so much. My body is fighting for all its worth. I want to run away from the pain and suffering, but there is no where to run.
I go to bed at night in pain, but grateful to be alive. I try to remember how strong I am and to remember where I have come from. I am so appreciative of the days I get that I am somewhat normal.
It’s hard to be around other people because I don’t want to bring them down. So I hide when I am at my worse. We all need to be loved the most at those times. I miss laughter and company. It’s hard in this day and time for people to see that when we show love to one another, we can help them heal. My world is of darkness at times, and I find that I am surrounded by many who have better things to do than to take time out for those of us who are silently fighting a war. Darkness is what gets inside and destroys Hope.
Those of us who are warriors of self-healing find we fight alone most of the time. Our family and friends don’t know what to do for we are so strong and fight so hard we seem unapproachable. I can say this we are much more delicate than you realize.
As a white lighter, it seems we fight the darkness more than others who are called normal. We see the injustice, we feel the pain of others, and we suffer from the illness of the world.
I have come to see my Chronic Lyme Disease as a gift. I have been misdiagnosed, I have had to learn how to become my own doctor, psychiatrist, my own guru, my own magic maker. I have had to learn how to love myself when there seems to be none. I am grateful for the beauty that is in this world and I give myself more time. I find a new way to do what I want.
I love this posting I found the other day…
Five things Empaths need to learn.
- Fill your cup up first. Give only from your overflow.
- Not everyone wants to get better.
- Rescuing disables healing.
- Creating boundaries will make other uncomfortable. Do it anyways.
- You only can save yourself.
I have found that I have become selfish in the way I do things and how I do them. I take better care of me. When you take care of your needs first you stop resenting others. If you wait for others to make life better for you, you are in for a long wait. It’s okay to be ill. That was a hard one to get through my old way of thinking. It is okay to not to be okay.
I read this in a Calvin and Hobbes comic one day. It is easy to make people think they have something wrong with themselves, the world has taught us how to be critical of ourselves. Then you can write a book on how to cure those problems. Our world has become an unloving dark place. It is a lovely place at times but as I get older, wiser I see the discord that is happening.
The white lighters, the ill ones those of us who are fighting to educate the masses on how to heal thyself, are the warriors who can see this and help others to see this as well. I have found that medicine is not there to cure it is there to create a problem. Misdiagnoses happen every minute of the day. Modern medicine is not looking out to help, it creates a problem and then treats it, only to make it worse.
It is a new era a dawning of new times. We are not controlled by the limitations that our foremothers and fathers were taught. I have been forgetting what I was taught by my parents and forging ahead in a new way of thinking.
I wonder this out loud, just maybe illness, darkness, the complaints of the world need to be here to help us find a new way to love and be good to one another.
The wound is the place where the light enters you.- Rumi, Persian
I will leave you with this last thought from A Wrinkle in Time:
Dr. Murray [to Meg]: Love is always there, even if you don’t feel it.