I woke up this morning feeling like my world isn’t as out of control as I felt it was the past couple of weeks.  It’s incredible how much change I have had to go through, and it all was not pretty!  One thing I have discovered during my trip of mental, physical and spiritual change these past couple weeks is the realization of self Judgment I have on myself.  So that brings up a couple of questions for me.

How does one let go of all the self Judgment?? Why do we judge ourselves anyways?

I have learned that emotional scars do cause real scars in the body.  That stiff shoulder, bad knees, hips that are sore, the heart that is full of a blockage…just maybe from emotional scarring! It is scary that we will go out and have a knee or hip replacement, wait until we need heart surgery or some other horrible cure instead of facing that fact that we are not happy where we are or have not dealt with the emotional scarring from our past.

I have noticed that when I am having a difficult time I am so hard on myself, and seem to forget all that I have accomplished, all that I have done.  I do not celebrate my victories.  Why do we do that to me?

I feel like I am fighting a losing battle to be me.  I need to be loved to be healthy in all ways of the mind, body, and spirit.  When I am at my lowest I feel Lazy but I know in my heart and have heard from others I am not lazy.  I am not mean yet if I take time for myself I feel like I am selfish. I’m not a complainer, but when I feel bad, I feel like that is all I do.

When I get down and depressed, I feel guilty for asking for help, even if it only the need to be heard.  WHY??? Why do we feel like we are a bother when we are in need of human care??

My struggles seem so big until I come out on the other side of it and see that I am the one making them harsher because I will not stop and listen to what I need.  So that brings up another question.  Why do I assume I am surrounded with mind readers?? Most of the people around me have no clue they are full of emotional scars as well.

If the world was genuinely full of the sixth sense clans and every empathetic person could see what is happening in someone else life would our world be a better place?? I feel like that is why we go through the things we do, it helps us stay connected with all those who are around us.  I also see where the masses in the world turn a dead ear and eye to all those who are around them.  They pull up their hoodies and walk briskly by hoping that their heart will not ask them that inevitable question.  What if that was you?

Now don’t get all indignant here.  I say this with this in mind.  Jesus saw the masses of those who suffered, but he didn’t do for them what they needed to do for themselves. He taught them to find courage in themselves. He preached over and over to be kind to one another. To thy own self-be true.   If we don’t heal ourselves how can we ever come to the end of the journey knowing what we needed to learn at that time? Nadia Bolz-Weber said something the other day I just loved, bring a shovel when you are looking into your own life.  Here is where humility comes into play, one has to have the courage to know when they need to ask for help, when to accept it and when to be quiet and love themselves.  That is much easier to write than to live!   I have been on all sides of this equation, and it isn’t easy by no means.

I’ll tell you this too; it is much easier to write this today than it was yesterday when I was in the thick of all the hurt and confusion. If you had been here yesterday, you would have seen me a mess of anger, yelling about things that were hurt, the pain of being unloved, the hurt and importance at that moment that seemed like life and death situations.  My brain felt like pudding, my body like I had no volume control on my pain receptors or emotions.  My spirit was a hot mess of doubt and the question of why would I want to continue in this manner of life.

I reached out finally after struggling with my double sided conversation within myself and finally asked for help. It is ok to ask for help.  I had stumbled into a dark obsess and I needed a friends light and hand to help me negotiate my way in this darkness I was transition through.  It helps to know that there is at least one person out there that will miss you!

Here is another realization I have found as well.  Tell your story no matter how lame you may think it is.  There is someone who needs to see it or hear it in the way you tell it.  Even if you don’t think anyone will want to listen or read it.  You need to tell your story because it is what you need to see and hear.  That self-video or that blog may not get any likes, but you needed to see it out there in this world.  Life is about others as much as it is for you.  We help others when we share.  I write for me. But if what I am sharing gives courage or helps someone else feel not alone that makes me feel good.

I have learned through this challenging time that I am too hard on myself.  I am looking at all the messes I have made and not on the courage it has taken to transverse these hardships.  I am much stronger than I realize but am too critical on myself.  I need to stop judging myself on how I handle things.  I need to stop fearing to ask for help, and I need to be gentler on myself when I am deep in my pain and confusion.

I am witnessing a lot of emotions hurt bubbling up more and more.  The things we want to not remember because we can’t believe someone would do that or this to us.  It is easier to make up excuses for the ill behavior of someone who we thought loved us or was there to protect us.  I am angry at the treatment they have or are still dealing me.  It is not right, and it is okay to tell them that, or have nothing to do with them.  It’s okay to hate them as well.  It helps us take back the power they once had on us.  When we do not love ourselves, we allow others to mistreat us.  I see it like this, if you are abusing and not loving yourself,  not seeing the wonderful person you are. Then how can you expect anyone else to treat you lovingly?!

For so long I have only seen myself in a deficit, not as a gain.  I have never thought of myself as a treasure.  I have always felt I lacked somehow because I was not living up to what others thought I should be like.  Why do we give that power away to others? It feels wrong to stand up and defend myself, but as I practice taking care of me first, I am getting use to my power to stand up and be heard.  It’s like discovering a new superpower.  (Said in a dramatic echoing voice) I can stand up and be heard!

It doesn’t help when we come from a family of abuse either.  For 20 years I was at the mercy of very abusive parents where a fist to the face was an answer, only to go into a marriage where I gave my power away to a very selfish man who cared only that his home was clean and the food was on the table. There was no friendship, camaraderie, no partners, nothing but that I found myself in one powerless struggle to another.  When we do not stand up and love ourselves, that is precisely what we are doing. As a child we had no say but as we make it to adulthood than the choices are ours.  I had to leave my family and leave the marriage to finally find freedom.

Today as I write this it all makes sense, tomorrow may be another story.  It is the peaks and valleys of life.  We have those days we can see the lessons for what they are, other days we are crawling asking for mercy.

I am reading more self-affirmation books, I am writing encouraging words for me to see, I go to bed giving myself credit for all I did because I did those things the best that I could at that time.  Become a generous lover when it comes to all you do.  You need to for your very survival and health, you depend on you!

WWYHS