To suffer

Tis, not a good day today…

I have started down a path of peaks and valleys and most of the time I seem to be dragging bottom on the valleys these days.   I am so tired of waking up sick and tired.  There are not enough good days to counteract the bad ones.

I can understand why people give up and end this life.  It is so hard to wake up with no hope or faith due to the countless days of hell one is in.  I can’t seem to turn that corner of health, and I am so tired.

Where is the Lord that is merciful, the one who comes in and helps us regain our footing?  Where is the care from others that help us make it one more second, one more minute, one more hour?

Yes, I am depressed, disillusioned, upset, frustrated, hurt, heartbroken, mad, disappointed.  I study and study, look up all I can and still, I can not find that proverbial cure that so many have discovered.  Are those who post their good fortune telling the truth or did they have one good day and post it only to make us who are struggling think that they are all better??

At these times all I can see are the losses I have going on in my life.  I am so tired of not seeing the positive, but its hard to look through all the garbage that is being thrown at me.

I broke a pretty bird statue that I got from my mom, she is dying a slow and terrible death from Alzheimer’s. I miss her so much, even though we didn’t have the best mother-daughter relationship I still miss her! I had the bird sitting in my flowers, and my puppy was goofing off trying to eat my plant, so I went to move the plant, the little statue hit the ground and broke.  It broke my heart to see it in pieces on the ground.  It reminds me of the pieces I am in, and I am not able to fix it or me.

Where is God in these times, where is the mercy I crave and need, where are the friends and family members? I could sure use some inspiration.  It just piles on higher and higher the hurt and the discouragement.  I am so tired of trying to go one when all I see before me is more of the same pain and heartache.  This is the real life you all!!  It gets hard out here and when we have friends that ignore us, loved ones who take advantage and those who falsely accuse us, life gets too hard to handle!!

We look for anyone to reach out and touch us in a deep and meaningful way, hoping that we dare to hang on one more miserable moment… wishing that we will see that little bright light of a miracle that makes our suffering worth it.

I look at the smashed pieces of that bird statue and can see my life there on that table.  I am smashed, I am broken, and I sure could use some encouragement that there is more our here than suffering.  I think about all those I could help, but how can I help them when I can’t even help myself.  There comes a time when we give too much of ourselves, causing ourselves to hide. We reach in and find that deep strength, that reserve tank and hope it isn’t empty.  It is hard to keep reaching in deeply and taking out that reserve especially when it doesn’t get refilled. My resources are bone dry, I have nothing deep down.

I could type out pages of symptoms I am suffering with but does that help anyone out? Does it help me? NOPE, it is the end of the story that happy ending we all look to.  We want to know how to heal ourselves, how to make it one more day and have that happily ever after.  I can’t find it…yet.  I am trying, but today I just don’t feel any closer to well being than I did 10 years ago.  Wow, 10 years of suffering and not one day has taught me how to deal with all the disappointments.

I wonder if we struggle so hard with this life because in heaven it is so perfect?  Do we come here to suffer, so we appreciate the other side we know as heaven?

I’ll struggle, hurt and cry another day.  I will pick up the broken pieces and try to put them back together.  I will try to glue it all back with as little a scar as possible.  My heart has one more fracture that I will hopefully mend with time.  Do we get points on how many injuries our heart has, will we be judged by how much we still tried as we struggled with all the hardships?

I am so tired of trying anymore, and yet I still get up each and every day, ever faithful and hopeful that I will find that silver lining, that I will see that cure, that love that I feel is out there.  It’s that survival instinct, that feeling that there is more out there than just this.  But today I feel only sadness and discouragement. I see only the hurt I have to transverse.  Today I am alone, hurt and heartbroken trying to figure out how much more I can stand.

Yesterday I heard a sermon on Grace, it is only through the rough, hardships and heartache that we see the grace we have been given.  Is it grace to be able to suffer? Maybe I will be able to answer that some other day, but not today.  I ask for the grace to endure the best that I can, in my most positive of ways, on this day of hell.  I think I shall crawl back in bed and try to find a reason to get up…


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