Today it is 100 degrees here in my hometown.  I hate it.  And I love that! I hate that I can not stand being outside, of course, this is due to my illness causing me complications in any weather that is extreme one way or the other.   Be it cold or hot; I have no way of regulating my core temperature, and that makes it hard to be outside for very long.  My heart goes out to all of us who have to deal with this issue each and every day.   It can make one feel like they are in a prison. Pretty prison, but a prison non the less.

As I stood outside in that 100-degree weather, my new found cold I picked up the other day keeping me company, waiting on my pups to take their potty break I could feel depressions sucking at my good feelings.  I try to be an uplifting person, and I am one of those annoying people who always tries to see the wonderful in everything, but I do hit bottom at times.  I am that awkward person that goes from bottom to top as fast as I can, like a bobber on the water.

This week I have been suffering from the flu, with my herbs and rest I have at least come out on the other side a lot faster.  I am grateful for that!! It doesn’t help my mindset though as I suffer every day with some kind of ailment that keeps me from fully living the life I want. It sucks to be sick and then gets sick, what a double whammy!

This got me thinking though.  What would I be doing if I was not so Blessed to have the illness I am living?

(Remember to always ask WHY.)

Why was I outside thinking of all the ugghh, yuck and unfortunate events, hating Summer and wishing for anything that was not me at that moment?  What was I hoping for?? If I had all the money, all the stuff I want would I be well?  The journey is the real fun, not the getting there. At least that is what I have heard.  I do enjoy the trip, but there comes a time when all I would like to do is get there already!  I have often wondered if,  once you get the new car, the house, would I miraculously be well and all my days would be happily ever after?

I enjoy every little moment I get that is pain-free.  Then there are days I can’t find one reason to get out of bed and suffer one more day of pain! My lifes ambition is to find a cure and I am very serious about trying anything once!

I  am very grateful for all I have.  Yet it is not a question of stuff or even happiness it is a question of why am I  going through the things I am and what am I  suppose to learn from these moments? How would all the materialism make things better if I can’t find peace with where I feel I lack?? The answer… I won’t!

Why had I not thought of this before, that just maybe I should be happy to know that I am one of the very Blessed people to have this cross to bear in my life? Why do we assume that we have to be in the right place, be in perfect health, have the best job, have the perfect mate, before we can find a silver lining?

I stood there and counted the blessings I have, I am really in an ideal location, live in a house full of lovely fur babies. Yet the mind is always looking ahead, hoping to find, what? While we are taught to look forward to continuing to grow why are we not prepared to be okay with where we are at this moment? Why are we not ready to enjoy the process instead of the outcome?

As I looked at my blessings, I realized that my life really is Blessed.  I am more blessed than most because I do wake up to a deficit every morning.  I wake up not knowing how I will make it another day positive and grateful for having the life I have. I live with pain, depression, PTSD and yet I love to laugh and find the funny way life flows.  I am alive I am living and it has its good days, and it’s not so good days.  I am so blessed.

Did not Jesus surround himself with the likes of people like me?

I am learning to accept myself with all my flaws.  I am not flawed though, I am living.

I am so grateful for the mistakes I make every day, I look forward to making more.  I feel much more blessed when I look at my plight in life as a blessing.  I am too hard on myself, I allow what others think to overtake my love for who I am. I seem to enable the useless chatter to take on a life of its own,  to keep me from having the happiness I deserve.  Why, Yes, I do deserve to be happy even when I am feeling low.  It’s a pleasure to find my way through the health issues I have been blessed with. Wouldn’t it be better to think of all that we go through as a blessing instead of a burden?  I am honored to be so welcoming to the complexities that are me.

A CHANGE OF SUBJECT OF SORTS

I was saddened to find out Anthony Bourdain took his life just the other day.  WHY I wondered?  I do understand why they would let go of life and take their own life,  I have thought about this many times but I would miss the ups and downs that make life, life. Why would a man that goes all over the country writing about foods, a beautiful girlfriend and a new series coming up, kill themselves?   What was his mindset like, to be able to overcome that instinct to survive?   I guess it showed me even if you have it all, well it just doesn’t matter when your not happy in your life. That is what the world says but I am that ever hopeful soul that hopes we find out that he was taken naturally.  It is so unheard of these days, most people die of complications.   I am crossing my fingers that he just fell asleep and woke up in heaven where we all are heading. With much respect Anthony.

There I go finding the positive in an un-positive world.

WWYHS

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