It’s been a while since I got on here to write. I have been working on my book and have made some significant progress, it’s incredible how it is writing itself instead of me writing it. I love it!!
The other day I was thinking about health and how I have gravitated to holistic remedies for many years. I have spent thousands of hours researching, Schooling, and buying organic products. The weird thing was that no matter the hours of research, the hours at school or the purer the products I was not finding that miracle cure. One day in meditation a question came up. What if the remedy is only there to help you find the actual well-being you already are?
What if the crystals, yoga, incense, exercise, guru’s, seminars, prescription, and doctors are there only to help you find your way back to you? What if all you needed to do was turn off the outside influences and connect with you for an hour a day?
When I meditate my herbal remedies seem to help better, I trust me more than Google, I have more patience, love, understanding and am not asking for advice outside myself. I finally was getting the connection here. I needed to listen to me, to do the one thing we are all warned not to do. I went offline and tried stuff without looking into them for hours and hours. With that knowledge, I decided to stop all the herbs I have been using and started to meditate. When I get to feeling out of sorts, I sit down and ask it questions. I had no idea that most of my pain and discomfort is from the lack of paying attention to what my thoughts are.
When I listened to my self, I was finding old limited thoughts taught by my parents coming to the surface, to worry, stress, fix things and keep busy. What if we don’t need to do anything, fix anything when it comes to us. What if I am ok the way I am? What if I were ok with how things worked out for me? And I am not talking about getting my car fixed, or my roof repaired I am talking about the things I think that are wrong with me.
It’s taken me a long time to be okay with being broken. I am picking up millions of pieces of me, I have been through a lot of harsh lessons in life, and they have left some deep wounds. My scars are ugly.
But are they? Who’s to say what is ugly or pretty. I think life is beautiful! When I stopped and loved all that I have been through I felt loved, lighter, and the pain lessened, I didn’t feel like I needed to find a cure, a pill, a distraction.
I looked forward to those uncomfortable things to come up. I imagined sitting with the limited thoughts, the repressed emotions from afar and loving them. It’s okay to be with all that you are. It is time to be okay with all that you are.
Today as I was meditating, impatience came in, then annoyance. I imagine sitting with them and loving them, just sitting there with them like two old friends. They left quickly and were replaced by appreciation and peace. There was something that came up as well, there were places in my body that were hurting or sore, and those places either moved upwards or stopped hurting.
This got me to thinking what if where I hurt or have an illness showing up, is a way the body is trying to communicate to me about the emotional resistances I had shoved deep down because I was not able to deal with them at that time. I was abused as a child, I started to have issues with depression in my teens. They got worse as I got older. As a child, we have no control in our lives. Think about that, as a child I had no say, I was to follow what my parents taught, the school informed, what an adult explained. Never did I have a chance to say what I wanted, least not it be heard. I feared making my parents upset, or any adult. The punishment of suppression was all that I was given when all I really wanted was to be heard, to have a say. When we have parents that were taught the same thing they pass that on to their children. I learned as I grew up I had no control over my life and that life was hard and uncaring.
That limited thinking ran over into all aspects of my life. I had no idea how much I was living a restricted life until I was able to break free of feeling I had to be a certain way. I tried hard not to pass on these limited thoughts to my kids. They saw me struggle within myself. I was in a fight to not be who I was taught to be.
Meditation has helped me break down those misguided teachings, I have learned how to let go of those past hurts, and restrictions.
I had stopped doing meditation after my 100-day challenge. I didn’t think that meditation was helping, but boy was I wrong. I picked up meditation, and my life became more relaxed, and I found my health come back.
I had gotten into these videos where all you did was connect with the positive side of you. I was under the impression that if I let any doubt or negative thought into my mind, I would bring more negativity into my life. I became afraid to have a feeling that wasn’t positive. It’s like reading about all the bad food in our stores and standing there wondering what in the world was I going to eat?
The exercises seemed to work for about a month, I ran out got the books and practiced day and night; I even got cocky and was spouting out to all to hear how much better I was. Positive thinking, positive affirmations, positivity board. I would put cards of positive affirmations on my fridge, watch these videos day and night. I was obsessed with these messages and what was saying being said by one person.
It felt like I was sucked into a cult and I lost who I was. Then I began to feel sicker, I felt depressed, I felt as if I had to work extra hard to be the most positive person I could. I felt like I was a little girl living the horrors of my childhood again!! I got frustrated, angry and started to get really down on myself. I felt more pain in my joints, was dizzy, sick to my stomach, felt lethargic, cut off and lonely. I started to hide and withdrawal from social gatherings, I was shouting, taking what others said as personal hits. I thought the worse of people and made what they did all about them being disappointed in me. I couldn’t do enough to make others happy like I was! I was miserable and I that didn’t make sense! Wasn’t I doing everything the way they told me I should? Why wasn’t it working!!!??
I had no idea that I had given my power my freedom over to these videos on how one should be and do, to get this or that! I was not listening to my guidance I was looking for advice outside of me.
What if the crystals, the seminars, the yoga, the herbs are all there to help us find our way back to us? If those who are sharing what they are doing want you to do the same as them than they are not helping you to find you. They are not helping you to find your own guidance.
I use organic food as a way of connecting more deeply to myself, I use herbs that come out of my meditative state instead of looking for a cure. Most times I have a natural remedy show up out of the blue, sometimes it is there for someone else who shows up in my life. I practice my thoughts and feelings. I let go of those who want to tell me how I should do something, and look for those who want to help me find a deeper understanding of me. I don’t need anyone to tell me what to do, but I love to hear what they did to see them. We need other people in our lives that help us, not restrict or make us into something that betters them by using us.
I stopped taking everything and sat down and cried for a week. I meditated and got back to being who I felt better with. I felt better being me. I stopped obsessing on staying positive and got real with my emotions as they came up. I started to have hate rants. Ohh I love those they made me feel so good. I loved my Hate rants. I could go deep and hate all that had hurt me in the past, I would hate it and enjoy it right there. I let go of beliefs on how I should act around others, how I should look at others, being afraid of saying the wrong things or upsetting someone.
I took back my power and loved me harder. That is so hard at times!! To take that people pleaser person I am, and give to me first. I had no idea that being a people pleaser caused me to have takers show up. I found that when I was not paying attention to my thoughts and feelings, I was missing perfect opportunities to heal past hurts.
I look forward to paying attention to what I am saying. I stop now and ask myself why pain is showing up. What does the universe want me to discover about myself?
I have since found herbal supplements that are helping my body to do what it knows how to do. I am more aware of my thoughts and feelings. I don’t take what others say as issues to be fixed. I listen to what those things bring up in me. I am ok with hating something. I love my faults. I take more time to listen to what I am telling myself. I am using the tools of this world, like herbs, organic foods, spring/filtered water, meditation and applying them in a way that helps to magnify my well-being.
That cure you are looking for outside yourself is a fallacy, those things that people are selling that worked for them, was meant for them. There are things out there for you, but you need to go deep inside and listen. When you stop and allow your inner guidance an audience, those supplements, food, exercise, people will come to you.
I have learned the best gift and the best person to listen to is you. If you don’t know how to do that than find someone one who wants to teach you how to find you, to see you. That is the best teacher out there to me!
Remember I blog about these things because I need to hear them, I am not sharing to tell anyone, what and where they should be. Take the time to get to know the real you. You might find that you that will change your life.