I have been a strange mood here lately. I have shut down Facebook for a week and am meditating more. I feel lost like I have lost something. I know that this usually means big things are about to be revealed. The old me is fighting to keep me on a path of resistance. The Internal dialogue going on in me is causing me to feel the discord thought-out my body. I have more pain, less sleep and I am so tired. I have shut contact with others as much as I can, without becoming a total recluse.
I am letting go of those who are emotionally disconnected from themselves. I’m tired of fighting to make them the better person I see. I don’t like that word better. I can see the wonder that is in them that they can not see. When I try to point this out, I am met with their resistance to legitimize their limitations.
I am tired of being the scapegoat for the way they want to stay in that limited thought pattern. It’s easier for them to blame everyone for the outcomes of their life. I am so done trying to be with someone who is emotionally detached from life.
I feel frustrated as I watch the way they treat others, the anger, the road rage, the negative talk.
NO one can love you but you. And if you are with someone who is Emotionally detached from themselves, how the heck do you expect them to be on the same wave link as you? It isn’t going to happen.
I found myself when around this person, judgemental. I am not that way when we are not around one another. I see that I get withdrawn, and I fight within myself. I have this pull to go back to the old way of thinking when I am around them. It is easy to get caught again up in the discord, but when you have left that matrix, you find yourself in an internal struggle to run from that repressed feeling.
When I meditate the answer was staring me in the face, and I know what I needed to do. So the other day I decided to allow myself to get a divorce. I’m going through the emotional part right now, and now I am waiting to finalize it.
My life changed at that moment. I didn’t have to do anything but follow my heart. I have had enough of being a reason for limited beliefs for a person who wants to stay in a limited way. I can’t make them be what I see them as being. I want them happy, but I can’t make them happy.
I’m moving into a freedom I haven’t experienced. I am free to be who I want to be. I am not responsible for anyone’s happiness! It’s amazing to feel the weight come off, the weight of waiting to make my mind up. The wait till I see a sign, the wait till the right time. That wait till the moon the planet and stars all align and show me a golden path to the right decision. I have a funny feeling that this sign has come and gone many times and I was to busy looking past it trying to find the sign.
Was it scary? No, it was powerful, to be able to have that right to do what you want without allowing the dictatorship of what anyone else’s belief thinks you should be doing. The only reason they have the view they do is because they never allow themselves the freedom to do what they want.
It is the best feeling in the world to let this situation go. Not in anger, I didn’t run up to them in anger. I just made up my mind and did what I wanted. It wasn’t up to them to make this decision, is was my want and my desire. Why would I make it their responsibility to be in charge of my wants and desires? In fact, that is the one thing I don’t want them to feel like they needed to handle. I want them to be happy with their decision. I wanted to be there in their life, but not be up in their business, and I sure don’t want them to feel the need to control my business.
What a great world if we minded our own business, knowing that our decision could make us or break us. How wonderful to listen to only your needs and wants. I believe that if you are happy you will make others happy as well. Ever notice that? If we are allowed to feel our emotions, to love ourselves and not have all the bull%$#t put on us by others. This world would be a much better place to live and deal with.
I always felt I needed permission to do anything I wanted to in life. WHY?
Well, when I went deep into myself, I heard the ghostly voices of the past from my parents and society. The inner child that was repressed, hurt, beaten and dismissed yells to be seen. When I stopped and listened and allowed those pains to surface and not find a distraction from them, I was able to heal and stand up for myself so I could be seen. I don’t need anyone to see me, I needed to be seen by me! These lumps in my throat, the confusion, the discord I feel are there for me, so I will look deeper and find out why I am feeling the way I am. I can love those feelings and heal from the hurts I have had.
I was making their thoughts from their past hurts my belief which was then making me feel imprisoned. I was trying to fix something that needed to be allowed. I had to come to the conclusion that it didn’t need to be fixed. Nothing needs to be worked on or fixed. There is no working or fixing something that has to deal with emotions of two individuals. That is why counseling for couples doesn’t work always. The best thing for a couple is to be real with themselves.
I was not responsible for anyone but me. That’s hard for us, we are taught that we can change others, or if that person changes our life will be better. There is loving and being and accepting what you want. I had the choice keep limiting myself in the thought that I could fix a situation that will not be fixed or accept what I knew deep down. I had to accept that I wouldn’t keep living like I was.
I had to hate the pain and love that. I had to allow my hate for the tit for tat fights, I had to be okay with letting go. I became ok with not being right.I had to face that I would not compromise no more. I would not stay quiet and live with the fear of making my life better with or without that person. I had to allow the person I was, the old me, to die. The death of the old us is the reason why many people stay in a place where they are not happy or living a full life.
I asked myself this question, what is a divorce. If you look it up on Webster, it says, the closing down or dismissal of an assembly, partnership, or official body.
The closing down of something. I liked that meaning. I wasn’t trying to mess over someone, or hurt them or make them be someone that they are not able to be. I wanted to close down a partnership that was messed up. I want to disassemble an agreement that is not working out for us. When we had gone into this agreement earlier in our marriage things were different we were different people. The agreeance of an alliance to helping one another be the best we could be was not discussed at that time. Man, to have an agreeance like that would have been awesome!! But as that agreement broke down, we started to tear one another down and stifle the individual growth we are both entitled to.
I hated the person I was becoming. I didn’t want to control, I didn’t want them to feel bad about themselves around me. I hated to hear that they felt lack around me. I hate feeling I was never what they wanted. I hated that we were not helping each other, we had become that very source of hell to one another. I felt the atmosphere change in the room as I entered. I felt his fear, his disconnect towards me. When I touched their shoulder or hand I felt the stiffness. How can you help but not want to run from feelings like that. I shut down as well and we both sat on the opposite sides of the room. Nothing was there, I had more love shown to me by strangers.
I noticed how he either walked in front of me or behind me. We were not equals anymore. No one knows we are together.
When do you stop blaming one other, or trying to find fault with them and allow them to be who they are?? If you both have run your course together why stay with them out of commitment? Don’t you want them to find someone who will love them and help them to continue to grow?? Why are you holding them back? I asked myself these questions over and over.
I found that when we are not around one another we feel free to create, to be who we are without feeling like we have to act or become someone who we are not. A partnership only works when both individuals are on the same emotional journey or same destiny. If you are a non-controlling person and get caught up with a controlling person. I don’t know about you but it makes me feel drained, frustrated, tired, upset, angry, resentful and the list goes on. I felt all these things and I found myself finding distractions, instead of having a loving, giving, happy relationship. If you are not enjoying the journey and only looking to get to the destination, you are loosing out. Have you ever taken a drive with someone and enjoyed the trip only to feel sad when you got to your destination?
Have you ever met someone who you knew you just didn’t like, and you moved away from them? Why then if you and your partner are making one another feel that same unfriendly feeling, would you want to stay with them?? Doesn’t make sense to me.
I can hear the answers welling up, but if you allowed those limited answers to go, where would your excuse come from then? Made me go Hmmmm…
So I sat and allowed my feelings about dissolving this relationship come to be, I sat there and watched the how will it go down. Where would I live question came up, How would I live came to the forefront of my mind. I sat there with the scared me and we watched as all those questions came up and then watched as they all got answered.
How freeing to watch as all those limited thoughts evaporated.
I am speaking to me on this blog. These are my feelings and what I needed to hear. It was hard to hear, but it was so freeing once I got over the fear of all the resistance I was having. As all the limitations fell away I was left with a person who knew that they would be able to survive and thrive.
I know I will be ok, I am so proud of me for allowing all those questions to come and keep me company. I am so proud that I faced my fear, my limited beliefs, and I came back to life! I had to be seen, I needed to be listened to. What my heart was telling me was the truth. I didn’t need to run out and get paperwork, or a lawyer. I didn’t need to tell anyone what I was feeling or why. I didn’t need facebook, twitter, or ask anyone what I needed. Me, myself and I were the only ones who needed to face this reality.
I don’t need to tell you how this will come to end, it’s my story. I just wanted to share that there is nothing holding you where you are but you. If you want out of a situation you have all the answers inside of you. There is nothing outside of you that will help you do what you and your inner guidance already know.
I am a believer in the divine ( some call God, Buddha, Universe), I don’t need anyone to teach me how to access him/her or whatever you believe. I have only to get quiet and listen to that heartfelt voice inside of me. That voice that keeps my body going, the breath in my lungs, the beating of my heart.
I know that I took the right direction. I am seeing more emotions coming up, I feel the power of love returning. Now if that isn’t a sign I don’t know what is.