Death and Butterflies

I had it all wrong on Death; I think that the reference to turning into a butterfly is when we pass on from this earthly body.  I have tried to write this twice; I gave up and cleaned the house.  Yes, I went into distraction mode as a way of trying to not let go of that which I do not understand.  Who can realize death when all our lives we have been taught to be afraid or to ignore the very thought?

I saw two real white butterflies fly around my yard as my tears ran down my face. Could that be a way that my sister and my little Sasha are telling me they are always here for me?  I will believe that it’s their way of saying to me they are together and are ok.

My son told me about an older couple who got up each day and did the same thing over and over. She would go to work, and he would go have donuts with his buddies and then read his paper.  Every day for years, they did this day in and day out. She is in her upper seventies, and so was he.  As they both got ready for their days that morning, not once did they think it would end like it did?  The gentleman went out and had his morning coffee and donut with his friends, and then came home.  The woman had set out to work, and after her long day as she tried to open the door to their home, she found it to be locked.  Nothing made her think that anything was wrong. She figured he was downstairs and had secured the house for his safety. She called out to him once she opened the door. He didn’t answer. She went to their room and didn’t find him.  Her first suspicion being he was downstairs.  She saw him on the floor of the basement.  He had passed on from this earth quickly.  Of course, she called 911, and they sent a local Sheriff officer.

My son was there on the scene and took her from the room and helped her up the stairs. She was in shock, of course.  He then asked what she would like done with her departed husband’s body, what were her and he’s planning if this situation ever came up for her and her husband.  She calmly looked at him and said, “we didn’t think about this. I guess we figured we never would have to deal with death.”

It made me think, how many of us have a written plan on what we would do if we lost our other half or even a plan for what we want to have done for our own bodies?  The reality is we all will travel without this human form one day.  I wonder how our world would change if we taught a required class on death.  Would we see we are all one, but just on different journeys of experiencing this world?  Would war become a taboo and life would be held more precious?  I really think there are people out there that think somehow they will live forever.  It’s sad that we do not celebrate death like we celebrate everything else.  How fantastic to have a gathering of friends and family and have a bbq and fun games allowing ourselves to rejoice in the memories of their life and being happy?

I lost one of my little fur babies. She was more than just an animal I owned. She was my companion; she was my friend.  That little girl fought for every moment she got on this earth.  We did not know she was so sick.  The place where we got her lied to us and told us she was a young dog.  Yet the other day as her weak body was ravaged by diabetes, maybe even thyroid, Cushing’s and who knows what else, we found out that she was much older by the emergency vet.  I loved and doctored this fur baby for 11 months, praying, cleaning up messes and kissing her as hard as I could.  I wore myself out trying to keep this baby alive, thinking that she was much younger and deserved to be loved for life.   I think towards the end of her life she knew that both she and I were wearing out and her most loving act was to let me heal and recover.

For the last two weeks of her life, she struggled so hard to live. I treated her for everything I could. I even had taken her to a vet that didn’t see the signs.  I would have paid or done anything to help her.  The end came, and I could not watch her struggle, her body was weak, and she started to tell me she was ready to go.  I was still in shock at how old she really was, but I wanted her so badly, I would have kept loving and cleaning up after her.  I would have stayed up nights and loved her.  Yet her body had worn out.  I can not believe that her previous owners had given her up or threw her away I don’t know what the circumstances were, but I had the pleasure of giving her a wonderfully warm and loving home for the rest of her days here on earth.  She was loved and cherished until the last breath left her body.

I have heard it said that we are caterpillars and as we transverse this life we become a butterfly when we become enlightened.  I believe after I watch this magnificent creature leave the earthly body and fill the room with her remarkable spirit that we then and only then become the butterfly. The power of her soul was so high I felt like I was overwhelmed and needed to run.  It wasn’t scary it was simple so very different from anything else I had ever felt.  When we are faced with something that we have not dealt with before, we become frightened and want to escape. I stood there and cried not want to see my friend, my little love leave this earth.  Pure selfishness on my part but I wanted to take her home and never let her go.  I knew that her body was not able to continue, but the unknown is seen as a scary place.   I think of how people would talk as if their loved ones would become angels and fly to heaven, but it is more like the butterfly after it has transformed from its lowly state, it becomes beautiful and flies off from this world beautiful and transformed.

My Sasha never left my side, I regret not knowing that she was much older and was sick.  I would have done things much differently.  I would have known that the accidents she had were not something she could control, I got mad at her at times, I put her outside shaming her, and I am ashamed that I did that.  I would have had a softer voice, and I would have loved her harder when she was weak.  I had been taught to be hard. Through her love and courage, I am learning to be softer and more loving.  I learned we are too hard, too demanding on those that we love or don’t even know, we are hard and demanding on our selves.  I wish I could turn back the hands of time and do it all over again.  I would have been softer, more loving, I would have looked harder and seen what I didn’t want to see, but that I know now!

The most significant gift you can give yourself right this moment is to STOP!!  BE quiet and look HARDER at all that is going on in your life.  We get distracted, we push the obvious out of sight and then when it is too late for us to change we lose so very much.  I should have, could have, but didn’t want to face that my little darling was much older than I was told, and was sick when I got her.  I put it in my mind that she was ok and I pushed her to keep going on.  I loved her every step of the way, but I could have loved her better.  I have learned, and she has imprinted on my heart how to be softer, more loving and more aware of my surroundings.

I have learned, and she has imprinted on my heart how to be softer, more loving and more aware of my surroundings.

I did the best I could at that time, but I also know how I can and will do and be better than I was.  That’s LOVE

In loving memory of my Little Sasha 9/3/2017 ” Fly my Fur baby we will see each other soon.”


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