I do believe that there were a couple of times in my life that I felt completely out of control. I am sarcastic here! It is mind-blowing when you can say to yourself that it is okay not to have control over how others act or do things. Is that not how life really is?
I can choose to be miserable, fat, depressed, angry, limited, controlled, and blame all my hardships on everyone and everything but me. Right? How silly is that?!
My life is about me. Short, sweet, and lovely! I have only myself to hold accountable, I am free to create my world, and yes, the universe will answer in kind. I ask for what I want and let go of what I do not wish. I set my intentions for the day and allow my angels, spirit, and guides to help me achieve my goals.
I write down my goals now, and I keep my intention of helping them happen. I work from my heart, and I allow my inner child to help me with my decisions.
I am learning how to love again and to allow others to love me. NOW That is harder for me than how I am expressing this. I have built a pretty high wall around myself. I am breaking it down piece by piece. I have found that I am very reluctant to allow others to get to close to me. NOT that I stopped loving and caring, it’s just I am way more cautious in who I allow into my inner circle.
I am learning to embrace my wounds as well as trust in myself that I will not allow others to ever hurt me again. I am learning that I will protect, honor, respect, and love myself always. There was a time I gave my mind, my heart, and my physical being my hopes and dreams to others, hoping that they would love and heal the broken parts of me. Somehow I expected them to fill a hole I had.
I know now that all they could do was come from a place of brokenness. There was no way they would ever heal me completely. When I looked for healing outside of myself, I became lost in the sea of broken souls. There is not one of us who does not emerge from a state of hurt. It took me a lifetime to find myself. Welcome to a world of pain and lessons.
A Poem I wrote about finding myself:
I stepped up to the mirror and looked at the broken, sad girl,
Her tears running down her face as she looked back at me.
There was heartbreak in each of those crystal tears that left a trail down her soft cheeks.
I lifted my hand towards the mirror as if to touch her face,
She looked at my palm and then back up to my face. I stared deep into her eyes.
A smile spread across her soulful eyes, a light seemed to turn.
As I watched that light spread across her face.
I was hit by a wave of knowledge that reached my heart. All that I had forgotten came rushing forward like a cold December wind.
I had found the broken child I had left in the past.
I recognized her right away as that child that I had been, broken down, and forgotten.
She had been waiting for me to come back.
There isn’t a day I do not dance with her in the mirror, I share my trials, and tribulations with her, I wave at her when I see her in every window I walk past. I smile as I watch her grow and blossom with the love I give her.
The loss of control was the one I had been taught. To not care for that person who I am that one who looks back at me and not knowing any better, I had pushed her away, fearing I would see the hurt I was running from. When we look deeper into the eyes of our soul, we have to face all that we have witnessed, be it good or bad. When we look into the reflection that is us, we have to reach out and touch the pain that we carry. It is not easy, but it is freeing.
I love being honest with myself and can do nothing but be honest with myself. I love my insecurities, my pain, my resentments, all those parts that I pretend away. When I found the courage to look into that pool of infinity, that is me I found the genuine me.
It may seem scary to see all the scars, all the things we pretend are not there. But once I did, I could heal all that was keeping me from having the life I wanted.
The scars and the hurts from the past start to fade as I took each memory and honor it. It is only when I stopped running and looking for that love I wanted did I find it.
I once told a friend that I thought I would never find that love I was looking for. It was always there I was looking for my love outside of me instead of inside me.
Welcome to this life of finding the love that we come from. It is not easy but I am finding that I can make it worthwhile each and every day.
2 thoughts on “The real you”
One of your best – which sounds a little silly to say, as you’re not in a competition. Methinks you know what I mean! 🙂
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Thank you so much for your feedback. I do know what you mean.