This may not be the upbeat, uplifting blog of all time but it is the now and the me in which I live. The continuation of my Reiki Challenge has brought forth more than I can handle at times. That seems to be the reality of life. I do things faster now, I enjoy every excellent day more, and I get so depressed when life is too hard, and I have sick days. I feel them all. I find myself talking more to myself. Living with a Chronic Disease has a way of doing that for you. You do not take anything for granted.
I don’t know how to feel at times, and I figure that is okay. There are days when I have to sit and watch the world go by. I feel like I have had a death sentence handed to me and in all reality I did. I am a Lyme Disease Warrior, and I chose to go through this. It has been the most rewarding, humbling and devastating time in my life. The little things like family, the wind blowing, the snow falling, the puppies playing, getting sleep, or being able to go outside are real treasures and challenges.
The crazy thing about this life is not one of us is promised a long and healthy life. I live at times with pure fear, the fear of my heart stopping because of this disease. Or being in a car accident and having to go to a hospital where they have no idea how their medical practice will do more harm to me because of my Lyme. It is terrifying to live in this life right now.
I live in fear of what I eat, and I have to watch what lotions, soap or even deodorant I use.
Reiki is teaching me how to live with my disease and use it to my advantage. I am learning how to give up on trying to kill Lyme, and learning from it how to become one with it. I struggle with that concept. How does one give up all they were taught, let go and allow a disease to show them how to live? Change is not a natural Human trait. It is hard to not go back and forth from the old way of thinking about Disease. I have no support group, not that I do not have people I can see that are dealing with the same disease, it’s just that they are not me and are not dealing with it the same way I am. I have become okay with that though. It is the lack of support that I have a hard time dealing with. To have someone actively listen to you is very very rare. Ahh to hear a simple word of encouragement becomes an obsession. To have an understanding and help, a gift from the Gods.
In my practice, the best medicine for my clients is being heard. To honestly be heard and have compassion shown. It doesn’t take a pill to help people. I indeed can listen to and sympathize with my clients. I can understand their frustration, hurt and need just to be seen and heard. It doesn’t cost anyone a dime to see that a kind word, a hug, an acknowledgment can make such a difference to a hurting person.
Of course, there are those who test this compassion and seem to be on the internet continually wanting to be reassured. How hard is it to reach out and send them some. If they get to where they don’t want to see it and say unkind things, let them go!!
Not all want to be healed or learn how to let their disease become their strength. I am the teacher. I am the example, and I am trying! I write from my heart, and I share it because I need to see it. I am not here to tell others how to deal with their journey in this life. I am here to help guide myself, and if I support another, I am tickled.
This week my Reiki has helped me learn that I am too hard on myself, that I need to let go and to move with the ups and downs. I have taken on the weeping willow as my spirit guide. It helps me to see how just a very gentle breeze can move the willows branches. I need to run more without fear, allow life to flow. I am learning how to let go of my fear towards so many things in my life. Is it easy? HECK NO!!