Been a couple of minutes since my last blog. I’ve been busy with my book. But I hit a big snag with it.
See as I was going though all the blogs I have written from the past, I was trying to put them into a book form. It seemed to be going quite well, but I started to deal with some harsh depression.
It seemed the deeper I went into the past, the more I was suffering with the anxiety, the depression, the fear, the hurt. You name it; I was reliving all the hurt from those pages I had written some time ago.
As I reread my blogs, I could see a very hurt woman, but that is not who I am today. I wanted to rewrite what I had written. I did not believe in those concepts anymore and it was bothering me to read them and wanting to put them in a book. Those emotions and feeling were not me anymore. They were just echos from the past.
The deeper I worked on the book, the worse I felt. I was having panic attacks and was upset most of my days.
About a week ago, it all came to a head. I woke up one morning to find I was crippled. I mean, I could not walk, dress, get up and down without help. I had to buy a cane. I hurt so badly in my hips and leg. I thought I would end up in the hospital, and I’d rather crawl to the Royal Gorge bridge and fall off of it, then go to a hospital.
The pain took my breath away. I was in shock at how I had lost my ability to walk. I tried everything in my natural medicine arsenal. I ended up bringing in the big holistic meds. Kratom and THC became my go to. I also have a very clean diet and am mostly vegan. I added eggs about three months ago, and once in a great while I’ll have a little wild caught fish.
I really do not not like taking Kratom or THC unless absolutely necessary. I dislike that high feeling. By the way, Kratom is in a tea form and the THC is a slave. I do not smoke marijuana. The Kratom helped with the anxiety and panic attacks but not with the pain. The THC helped with the pain but caused some anxiety. Working with te both plus some catnip tea helped me to get the worse of the pain under control.
I started doing stretches and acupressure on myself. I’m a Reiki Master, so I was doing self Reiki as well. For four days, I struggled to walk and do the simple everyday things we do. On the fifth day, I had a miracle happen. The pain eased up, and I could walk a bit with the cane. I still was struggling to get up and down but I could do it without screaming.
Through this time, I wondered if reliving the pain and sorrow of the blogs I was working on was causing physical blockages that were now manifesting into physical ailments. As I have learned, if there is dis-ease that can turn into disease.
I stopped working on my book and stopped writing for a while and let things go while I concentrated on getting my health back.
The past is where we come from, but it is not who we are. I have grown and healed from many trials and tribulations. The more I tried to make this book from the person I once was, the more I was having this huge fight within myself. My past is not me and I do not want it to be. Yes, it helps to know where we came from, but there are things we really want to heal and let go of. I didn’t want to have these past thoughts and feeling in my book. I am so different. I have accomplished so much. I am so proud of my victories.
I am a very sensitive soul, and my emotions can cause me physical pain. I have to always be watchful of what I am feeling. How I am dealing with the things going on around me, as well as how I am dealing with myself.
The state of the world is not helping. As we grow away from the family values, the compassion for one another and the communities we once had. The human being we are has become confused and lost. The evil that we have allowed to take control doesn’t like the family unit, doesn’t want there to be communities and the gathering of the people.
I put myself in a pit of despair when I went back to my past and tried to make it into something it isn’t. It once was, but it is not anymore. It is an echo of who I was. I am a warrior and do not fear tough talks, or fighting for the family unit. I walk tall and proud and do not comply with what the evil would like me to comply with. It can be a very lonely way of life, but it is true life to me.
I want to show myself how far I have come, to cry and celebrate my victories, to be proud of the growth I have gone through. I have become my hero.
So from this day forward I will let go of the echos of the past and stay in the present where I belong.
I am feeling much better and have recovered a lot. I am almost back to normal for me that is. LOL
Stay true to you!