Salvation from the beast of non-care

This morning I woke up tired.  That deep down has you feeling like you are 500 lbs of tired.  I can’t sleep anymore, and it seems the more I try, the more tired I get.  I know my poor adrenals are pretty much garbage.  No matter how many days I try and rest I just can’t get them back up there to regular working order.  It’s like whenever the dog barks I jump like a mountain lion came into the room.  I can’t fight the good fight anymore.

I want to start to exercise and do more around my home but when you are exhausted, how can you get up and do a 15-minute exercise program.  I can’t even muster up enough energy to watch a movie let alone take a shower. No one can understand this unless they are living it.

It is tiresome to try and tell those around you that you are tired, you feel like a complainer all the time.  I want to just go off to a remote cabin in the woods with plenty of food and water and sleep.  I think if I could just sleep for a couple of weeks without having to deal with others I would finally feel better.  So that brings up the question for the day.

Why are we not allowed to have time to recover from illnesses??  If you have the misfortune to see your doctor they give you a pill and tell you when you should feel better.  But what if they are taught wrong?  I believe one must follow their own healing emotions. It is hard though because you feel like you need to go by what others think instead of following your own heart.

I also have someone whom I live with that is not caring, there are those who just do not have it in them to care.  They are those who will work as hard as they can to make life harder for you. They are the takers, those who feel like you are a burden yet don’t want to let you go. This is not a nice person, no matter how much I want to believe they are. I have given the benefit of the doubt, I have made up excuses, and I have tried to understand.  There is a time when you have to really sit back and watch what they are doing.  It hurts to think that anyone would want to be hurtful.  I don’t know if it is jealousy or if it is that they indeed were born without compassion.  Unfortunately, My mom was the same way.

They could not stand it if anyone were in more need than them.  I don’t understand this because I can’t stand to see anyone or anything suffer.  But these people smile at the hurt, they celebrate when they get a good hurt on someone, and they get angry when they can’t get one up on you, or at least that is the way I feel they are behaving.  I find that I stay in a constant protection mode around them, for I know that they are just waiting for a weak moment to show up.  When they are not around the world is such a beautiful place. Sad but true.

I try to understand why, but does that mean that I am to allow abuse and hurt towards me or others creatures great or small?

It’s sad to say this, but it is nicer not being around them than being around them.  I can’t be honest with my feelings because then I become an uncaring, selfish person who never appreciates them for what they do for me.  It’s not a good environment to try and get well in, that’s for sure!

There is no turn the other cheek, there is no showing them how you would like to be treated, the more helpful you are, the more volatile the situation.

So why then do we chose these people to be in our lives?

I thought that this person needed someone to care.  Why are people like this?  Why is it that you see many more people hooked up with people who do nothing but hurt them? Do we feel we need to put up with it because we don’t care about ourselves?

I am at that point where I need to do something, anything. I don’t want to go through this world scared and tired all the time.  I know that things can change for the better.  I can feel the difference when I get away, or they are not around.  I am at peace. So that has me wondering.  Can we find peace amongst the monsters? How does one find the way?

Until the questions are answered, I will continue searching for the answers.



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