How cool would it be if everyone had a blog where they put out there their deepest dreams, fears, wishes, and wants.  Facebook has become like that in some ways, but you can read someone’s blog and know that they are writing for someone else, not from their true feelings.  You see it all the time, those blogs those shares that are want to be’s, not the real authentic them like you would find in a diary hiding under the bed.  How sweet would it be to open the page of a person you love and find out what they honestly feel, to see their heart exposed with no worries on their part.

I love being an open book the more accessible, the happier I am.  I use to hide my emotions and tell others what they would like to hear.  I hated that, and I love that I hated that.  Those things we face make us stronger and more real.  I can’t take anyone other than face value, and you have one chance to be that real person.  If I pick up on your trying to impress me or try to say something you think will make me happy just makes me want to throw up.  I do I get physically sick.  I can’t stand fakeness.  I only want to know the reality of that person. I want to see the love that they feel, the hurts that they carry with honor, that openness to the way they feel, and the care not what others would think.

My sister and I had a great conversation last night on the illusion all have in the faith.  God sent his son some believe to die for our sins.  There is no sin out there that is not forgivable.  We don’t like to think that way though.  It is scary to believe that a murder can be forgiven. Fall in love with someone other than that spouse you don’t get along with, you get a free ticket to hell.  REALLY??  Who made that stupid shit up.  If there were a judging God most of the population would be walking around on fire or turning into stone.  Is that because of what society wants to believes?  Put fear out there and you get to control the mass.  Look at the way our news scares the juniper out of folks for 60 minutes twice a day??  HELLO??

It is not unbelievable that we would be better off not being the judge or jury.  We came here to live, love and experience everything.  How dare that I wake up from the matrix of Judgement and go with the flow of my heart!!

Why is it better to feel like we will be punished for going outside the lines?? I fight with myself more now these days as I come to realize that all that I have learned was pure bullshit from the beliefs of others who shouted and made a fuss enough to get others to believe in what they were screaming about.  Why do you feel the need to follow the crowd?

Well look back at history, Many of those who would speak out and be different were killed.   Yeah, Fear keeps us afraid of coming out and doing what is not the norm.  How many people get upset if someone says no to reform, to crappy craftsmanship, too ugly bullies.  It takes some Balls to walk off the line of conformity and live fully.  YOU CAN DAMN WELL TAKE IT TO THE BANK YOU WILL BE JUDGED!!! Smiles and waves.

Of course, this paragraph is for those who take thing literally.  I am not talking about shooting the asshole that cut you off, the moron that flipped you off when you made your right away.  Those idiots help us learn what we do not want, how we don’t want to be.  Or maybe you want to be the asshole in traffic that drives angry and takes out an innocent family.  YOUR prerogative!  Just do us all a favor, maybe stop take a breath and let go of the stuff that really doesn’t matter.  How about this take a walk in nature, kiss your kids or rescue a puppy.  There is a lot out there to do than be a dick to others. Try to disconnect from the limited thoughts you have and find out that you are not a machine meant to work all the time. Life if suppose to be a happy experience, it is to bad that we have grown to like the negitive more than the positive in life.

So where am I going with this?  I am having total recall of my life.  I am facing the fact that most of my life I was under the impression I was not good enough, I was not pretty enough, I was not smart enough to trust my own feelings.  I was supposed to do what was considered the right thing to do.  I have been shedding those beliefs like a snake who sheds his skin.  It comes off in large layers, and some days it feels really freeing and other it feels like holy HELL!!

I am facing realities that are mine and mine alone.  I am expressing my heart and walking outside the lines drawn in the sand by others.  I find myself alone most of the time, and I am ok with that.   I love to share, but that causes others to have to look deeper into places they would rather not look.  I break down defenses and excuses that they fight to keep.  I will not change back and be a safe place for them, so they push away.

I have hope I will find others that share my same zest and zeal for life. Those who want to be real in the who they are, and not care what others say about how they must act and do.  When I found that kind of freedom I saw less angry, I am more loving, and I have become a safe space for people even if I do not agree with what they say or do.  I accept them for who and what they dream of being and I am happy for them.

I had meant for this blog to be different but it seems to have taken on a life of its own. I know it is because I needed to see and hear these things.

I have gotten into a habit of asking the Universe, God, the man upstairs: what does he want me to learn from the expereinces that are coming up for me.  I am asking why on a lot of things in life.  It feels so good to ask why.  I get some awesome answers when I stay open in my heart and mind.

WWYHS